Isolation

I’ve never been a very social person. Some (including myself) may even believe a diagnosis of autism due to the extent of my social ineptitude. It has never bothered me to be by myself & the comfort that I feel when alone is perplexing to most people. Because of this idiosyncrasy I’ve never had many friends although I’ve found that I can get along rather well with a variety of people. I’ve never been one to seek out the company of others & the friends that I do have probably perceive me as (more than a bit) distant because the thought of connecting with others truly never crosses my mind.

So I find it strange to have found someone that I simply cannot go a day without connecting with & the irony is that he is away much of the time. By “away” I mean physically not in the same state. He travels. A lot. If it were anyone else this fact wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. I might even relish the chance for some alone time, but this is sadly not the case. I have a new found sense of isolation & loneliness that I’m having trouble coping with. I’m certainly not afraid to be alone & when he is out of town I don’t particularly want the company of others, but there is a definite sense of loss that I’m unaccustomed to; a sense that I’m missing out on something that I should be a part of. It’s a dream like state at best; nightmarish at worst. It’s as though I’ve pressed pause on the representation of what I have known as my life. But, I’m the only one on pause. Everyone & everything seems to go on as normal about me while I wait to be able to press “play” once more.